


i don't mind your shadows

by LydiaIsabelle



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Depression, Eliott being soft, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, I tried to make this as soft as humanly possible, Lucas being the best boyfriend ever, M/M, Pasta, can you tell I miss them?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-06 19:46:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18395129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LydiaIsabelle/pseuds/LydiaIsabelle
Summary: "Wait for him to come back to you, because he will, and it will be worth it."Lucas really hoped so, because he didn’t know what he would do if Eliott were to leave.or; after a bad manic episode, Eliott crashes, and it takes a week before Lucas starts to see the light at the end of the tunnel.





	1. breaking

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "Shadows" by Sabrina Carpenter
> 
> I haven't written fic in over two years, so go easy on me <3

It was on days like these that Lucille’s words from that morning many months ago would ring in in Lucas’s ears while he desperately tried to hold on to some resemblance of normalcy while his boyfriend was at home, hopefully asleep and resting.

 

_Wait for him to come back to you, because he will, and it will be worth it._

 

Lucas really hoped so, because he didn’t know what he would do if Eliott were to leave.

 

The air was cold, spring not having arrived to Paris just yet, and the street taking Lucas home to said boyfriend were narrow enough that Lucas kept bumping his grocery bags into the fence lining the apartment block a few blocks before his own when he accidently steered his bike a bit too much to the left. It was fucking annoying, but it meant that he would get home to Eliott quicker, so it was worth it.

 

It hadn’t been pretty. Lucas had only moved into Eliott’s apartment six months ago, both of them too broke ( ~~and too fucking horny for each other~~ ) to stay in the flat share for any longer than they did. Eliott had just been starting his second year at the Sorbonne as a film student while Lucas started his first term at UPD, and they had both realised by then that with the student debt they were both going to rack up, two apartment rents were more expensive than just the one, especially since Eliott’s parents were more than eager to help them with it.

 

Which was great, because that had meant they had been able to save money every month between Lucas’s shifts at Starbucks, Eliott’s tutoring lessons and their respective loans, creating a small but steadily growing savings account that they planned on leaving be until next summer when they would travel Europe together, hitting every single stop on their shared bucket list.

 

~~(Including pasta dates in Venice, meeting up with Eliott’s cousin in Rome, going clubbing in Barcelona, Eliott watching the history nerd in Lucas walking the streets of Berlin and the both of them being struck by the immensity of it all. The two of them visiting the Scandinavian countries just so Eliott could see the northern lights, and for Lucas to be able to see where the Nobel Ceremony is held. Just the two of them alone, together, in all different places.)~~

 

It would have to wait for a little longer, it seemed. Lucas had woken up a bit over a week ago to an empty bed, save for a note declaring that Lucas had to meet Eliott at a hotel, because he had reserved a suite!

 

He’d spent the better part since then thinking, or rather analyzing how he missed the signs, how he could’ve let himself be too caught up in his studies to miss the signs Eliott had been sending him. How if he’d only realized that hey, suites are fucking expensive, where in the world did Eliott find the money for that? If only he hadn’t been to caught up in the romance and pleasure of it all to see the big flashing sign above them that read: HEY, SOMETHING IS WRONG! If only if only if only.

 

_“Good morning baby, I have a surprise for you! I heard you complain about how much school is stressing you out so I thought I’d do this for you!”_

 

And the thing was, Lucas had been beating himself up ever since then, even though he knew, (he knew!) it wasn’t his fault. And even if it was, he couldn’t do anything to change it now, besides be there for his boyfriend when his _mec_ was ready to let him be there. Even though he knew this rationally, that didn't stop him from worrying. Feeling like he had to hold the dam together, making food he knew would go untouched, buying flowers only he would care about, it wasn't a nice feeling.

 

That didn't mean he wouldn't continue doing it every time Eliott couldn't. 

 

Today’s classes had been rough, him having fallen asleep early yesterday whilst neglecting the reading assignment that was due this morning, and he had had to run by the film institute on his way home to speak to Eli’s professor to find out what his boyfriend was missing. Luckily, it wasn’t anything that couldn’t be caught up on, and Eliott’s professor had sent Lucas on his way without any hostility, just a “Tell Monsieur Demaury that his class misses his argumentative spirit!”

 

Lucas really loved his boyfriend, and he’d been lying if he denied the fact that Eliott’s passion for film hadn’t gotten him all hot and flustered, on multiple occasions.

 

Their apartment block was coming up, and Lucas parked their bike against the fence, setting down the groceries to pull out a lock from his backpack and chaining the bike to the fence post before walking upstairs.

 

Getting inside the building meant his hands started to warm up again, him having forgotten his gloves this morning, and not having his boyfriend walking him to school sadly meant no hand holding, something the guys always used to mock them for back in high school. With working hands, he opened the door to their apartment with one hand while holding two grocery bags and a bouquet in the other, pushing the door wide open with his foot while putting the groceries down on the kitchen table.

 

He could see Eliott curled up in bed, blankets covering his face and blocking out any sunligt that passed through the curtains. The eggs Lucas had made him before leaving this morning sat untouched on their bedside table, prompting Lucas to put them in the sink before putting the groceries away and checking his phone.

 

_Y4z4s: how are u guys doing? txt me if there’s anythng i can do <3 _

 

_basile_simple: remember to take care of yourself as well! Make sure you drink a lot of water and get some sleep!! At least eight hours a night!_

 

_monvoisintuturo: eight hours a night? Basile we’re college students! I appreciate the sentiment but that’s just not possible,_

 

_basile_simple: I sleep at least nine hours a nght wht’s ur point???_

 

_monvoisintuturo: remind me again how ur doing, grade-wise_

 

_basile_simple: touche_

 

_y4z4s: srsly tho, tell us if you guys need anything, and txt us when we can come over and cuddle our best boy_

 

_monvoisintuturo: yeah just let us know and we’ll be over with alot of hugs!!_

 

_basile_simple: my mom told me to tell you that Eliott is welcome to talk to her if he ever feels like it!!_

 

_lucallemant: thnks boys, and thnks basile i’ll tell him <33 and yann we’ve been friends for 16 years I thought I was you best boy?? _

 

_y4z4s: u were but then Eliott brought those brownies to our first pregame and ever since he’s had my heart_

 

_lucallemant: okay yeah that’s valid_

 

He couldn’t help the smile growing on his face, scrolling through all their conversations from the past week where the guys had offered their support countless times, Basile even going as far as offering to fight the staff at the hotel they had stayed at to _force them_ to give Lucas and Eliott a refund before Arthur had to remind him to use one of his three remaining braincells to realise it wouldn’t work.

 

It was really, _really_ , sweet how much the guys cared.

 

Suddenly, he heard the blankets shift over where Eliott had been laying, and Lucas could see the top of Eliott’s head peeking out from under the blankets. Throwing his phone somewhere in the couch’s general direction, Lucas walked over to their bed and layed down on top of the blankets, not touching Eliott but letting his presence be known by shifting his weight, now facing his boyfriend's’ back before letting out a soft,

 

“Hi baby”

 

and the dam breaks.

  



	2. healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's nowhere you can go where I won't follow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOFT

A few days prior, Lucas had said the exact same thing and he had been rewarded with Eliott watching him with dull eyes, acknowledging Lucas’s existence but being too tired to speak, to exhausted to even reply. Still, it had been enough to let Lucas know that he was there, that he was listening, that he wasn’t gonna leave right then and there. It had been enough for Lucas’s anxious heart.

 

Today, Lucas’s heart breaks a little instead.

 

Eliott is full on sobbing before Lucas has the time to react, but once he does he’s quick to reach out, rubbing his hands up and down Eliott’s arms while pressing kisses into his shoulders. He aligns his body with Eliott’s, careful not to impose but still wanting to prove to the older boy that he’s here, he’s not going anywhere. Lucas will always come back to Eliott, no matter what happens.

 

Eliott continues to sob for awhile, refusing to turn his head towards Lucas but leaning into his touch just enough for Lucas to be assured that he’s wanted where he is. Continuing to press kisses into Eliott’s back, he begins to hum under his breath, a melody he’s had stuck in his head for the better part of the week, hoping it gives Eliott something to focus on besides whatever is raging a war inside his head.

 

A little while later, he’s met with Eliott’s deep breaths as he falls asleep, and Lucas is grateful for the reprieve Eliott is being granted. He leaves the bed, leaves Eliott to sleep without any distractions while he walks over to the kitchen where he grabs their biggest pot, fills it with water and watches patiently as the water heats up.

 

Lucas never knows what he’s doing when these episodes roll around. Him and Eliott have been dating for two years by this point, and the science-oriented part of his brain wants to tell him that if he’s doing everything wrong, Eliott will tell him, would’ve already told him, so he should stop worrying about shortcomings that haven’t been proven. Yet, he still worries that he’s being too much sometimes, that Eliott will feel suffocated and mothered, and that he will leave, like everyone else Lucas has dared to love before. It’s irrational, he knows, but knowing doesn’t make it go away.

 

He’s so lost in thought that by the time he realizes the water is boiling, some of it has steamed away, but enough of it is left for Lucas to empty their cupboard and pour enough pasta in the pot to last them at least a couple of days. Eliott’s parents had stopped by a few days ago with a lasagna and some ice cream, both which were supposed to be Eliott’s favorites, but the lasagna was starting to get bad in the fridge and Lucas had accidentally ate most of the ice cream himself.

 

When the pasta is done boiling, he pours the store bought pasta sauce over it before putting it in their plastic containers and puts them in the fridge for later before pulling out his school books and continues writing the paper he was supposed to finish yesterday.

 

Eliott wakes up again at 20h27, turning around, no longer facing the wall but instead opting to watch Lucas while he studies for awhile before calling attention to himself by clearing his throat. Lucas startles, meeting Eliott’s gaze, and for the first time in a week, his boyfriend’s eyes shines again. Lucas is in love.

 

He closes his laptop, shuffling his books back into his backpack and leaving his computer to charge overnight before rejoining Eliott on the bed. Slowly, he reaches one of his hands forward and waits for Eliott to take it. When he tentatively does, Lucas is finally home again.

 

Holding Eliott’s hand, he moves so that they are both laying on their sides facing each other. He leans forward to brush his forehead against Eliott’s, and allows himself to close his eyes before breathing his boyfriend in, letting his senses take over for a minute or two. Brushing the hair out of Eliott’s face with his free hand while rubbing the palm of Eliott’s hand with the other, he gives himself a second to revel in the tranquility before he opens his eyes again. When he does, he’s met with Eliott staring back at him.

 

“I’m sorry” Eliott breathes out, barely more than a whisper but to Lucas, he might as well have screamed it at him.

 

“No, no no no no no you don’t have anything to apologize for. Shit happens baby, and if anything, I’m the one that’s sorry, for not being there for you when this was building up. For not seeing the signs because I was too preoccupied with school and exams. You didn’t do anything wrong, baby.” His need to get the words out seems more important than anything else.

 

“But I blew it,” Eliott sobs. “All of our money, your money, it’s all gone. I spent it all in _one_ day, and there’s no way to get it back. I _stole_ from you! How can you still want to be with me?” He’s crying, Lucas notices as Eliott’s breath hitches at the last word.

 

“You didn’t _steal_ from me, baby. You said it yourself: it was _our_ money. Equally yours. Baby, no, no listen to me,” He scrambles to keep Eliott’s hand in his when he tries to pull away, “I don’t need fancy trips through Europe or whatever to make me happy. Yeah, it would have been nice, and fun, to see the continent with you, eat pasta in Venice or whatever, but I don’t _need_ that shit to be happy,”

 

He pauses. Breathes in, breathes out. “I don’t need any of that the way I just _need_ you. You make me happy baby, you-” Breathe in, breathe out.

 

“You and me, here and now, minute by minute. That’s all I’ll ever need, baby. Don’t you see?” Lucas pauses, breathes slowly before continuing, “You’re worth so much more than anything money could ever buy me.”

 

He brushes the hair out of Eliott’s face and it’s not long before the older boy starts crying softly, not saying anything, but it’s the most Lucas has seen him express himself since he crashed. He allows himself a second of bittersweet contention before pressing kisses to Eliott’s cheeks to remove the tears.

 

Lucas pauses to throw one leg over Eliott’s hips, suddenly straddling him but putting enough space between Eliott’s and his chests to let Eliott breathe properly while grounding him to _something,_ anything, trying desperatly to bring Eliott back to the here and now.

 

“What did I say, back when we first got together, hmm, baby? What did I say?” He needs him to _remember._

 

“That-” Eliott stammers out. _You’re safe baby,_ “that you didn’t want me to leave.”

 

Pride is an indescribable word, in that moment.

 

“And do you remember what you told me then, when I was crying at a bus stop in Paris, not wanting you to leave, wishing you could stay for just _two more minutes._ Do you remember?” The moon has risen enough by now to cast a low hue over their bedsheets, and Lucas, suddenly afraid he’s being too much of a weight on Eliott, moves to sit up.

 

Eliott follows.

 

“I told you I loved you. _Je t’aime._ You were crying and I didn’t want to leave but I had to. _I had to._ And I was wearing your clothes and it didn’t seem _fair_ that I got to keep something of yours and give nothing in return, so I gave you my heart. It had been yours for weeks by then, anyway.”

 

Hearing his boyfriend speak in full sentences again kickstarts something in Lucas’s brain, the sound of Eliott’s voice serving as food for his starving soul. Lucas removes his free hand from Eliott’s hair, instead opting for holding his jaw in his hand and forcing his boyfriend to look into his eyes. He thinks, “look at me, listen to what I have to say.”

 

_I missed you I missed you I missed you._

 

“Yes you did, baby. And ever since then, you’ve kept coming back to me. Everytime. I’m no longer afraid of you leaving, because I know, in my heart, that you’ll be back. Whether it takes an hour because you’ve gone grocery shopping without me, or a full day because we both have class, or a week, because you need to rest for a bit. You always come back, to me. You’ve helped me so much baby, more than you will ever know. Let me help you. What are _you_ afraid of?

 

“ I just-” Eliott is refusing to meet his gaze, no longer feeding off of Lucas’s urgency. “I can’t be, I mean, I don’t want to be-” He pauses. Looks at the window, at the moon. Looks at Lucas, looks anywhere else. Breathes in, breathes out. Takes a minute to himself before finishing.

 

“I don’t want you to leave me, and I can’t, _I can’t_ stand the fact that I’m ruining you, ruining your life with my problems, problems my brain creates, problems I don’t know the solution to. Lucas, you deserve the world, and I _stole_ that from you.”

 

They’re still sitting up, Lucas in Eliott’s lap and crumpled bed sheets underneath them. Lucas hasn’t been able to wash them for over a week, but none of it matters. Not the laundry in the corner of the room, not the vase of dying flowers on their windowsill, not _any of it,_ because Eliott is here and Lucas is here and they’re in love.

 

“Hey, hey hey hey hey, look at me.” He uses his hand to lift Eliott’s face once again, waiting patiently for Eliott’s eyes to meet his once again before continuing. “I love you. There’s nothing on this planet that could keep me from you. President Macron could come in here right now, _at this instance,_ and forbid me from staying by your side, and I would arrange a sit-in protest.” He’s given something between a sob and a chuckle for his efforts. Lucas takes it and runs with it.

 

“You don’t believe me? I’m serious! I’ll get everyone onboard too, you’ll see. The boys have already made it clear they would do anything for us, and I know for a fact that the girls would fight the entirety of the French government for our happiness. I know, because I feel the exact same way. I’d have all of them here within an hour baby, Macron wouldn’t stand a chance!” He’s getting passionate, he knows, but it has to be said.

 

To this day and until the day he dies, he will never understand how Eliott can think so lowly of himself during his depressive episodes. _Life isn’t fair,_ his dad had told him once when Lucas had texted him about his new flat share and asking him to help out with the rent. Yeah, no fucking shit.

 

Any version of reality, any parallel universe where Eliott didn’t know his self worth couldn’t be anything other than unfair.

 

Eliott’s ensuing laugh brings him back to reality. It’s quiet enough that it would probably go unnoticed if Lucas hadn’t been desperate to hear it for a little over a week. He responds by bringing the hand holding Eliott’s up to his lips and kisses Eliott’s softly.

 

“Besides,” Lucas trails on, “we can have that pasta date right now, if you want.” It’s a longshot, trying to get Eliott to eat something this soon, but he has to at least _try._ Eliott looks at him, then, tilting his head just a bit. His eyes asks the question he doesn’t feel he can say out loud.

 

_What are you on about?_

 

“The pasta date in Venice? On our bucket list? I know we’re _technically_ not in Venice right now, but the Seine is right outside our window and I made us some pasta earlier. You don’t have to eat if you don’t feel like it, but I thought I’d at least let you know.” _Please eat baby, you’re getting too thin._ Lucas doesn’t say it, but Eliott seems to hear it anyway.

 

“Can we, I mean- could we maybe share a plate?”

 

It’s more than Lucas expected he would get today. He doesn’t like to push Eliott, doesn’t want him to feel like Lucas is parenting or babysitting him, but he keeps getting so, _so concerned_ whenever Eliott has an episode, that the line that he’s not supposed to cross is hard to find. Eliott’s never said anything either, so Lucas supposes he’s doing an okay job at this boyfriend business.

 

“Yes! Yes of course, let me just go and microwave it for us baby, okay? I’ll be right back.”

 

When Lucas moves to climb of Eliott’s lap, however, he finds himself being pulled towards the other boys chest, arms reaching behind his back, and he’s falling, _they’re_ falling,  backwards until Eliott’s back hits the bed once again and Lucas lays atop of him, head buried over Eliott’s heart. He concentrates on the heartbeat he finds there and finds comfort in the way Eliott’s fingers start to card through his tousled hair.

 

“I’m sorry, I’ll let you go in a minute, I’ve just missed this. I’ve missed holding you:” Eliott says, pressing a kiss into Lucas’s hairline, and _fuck him sideways,_ Lucas has never felt more at home.

 

Later, after maybe a minute, maybe an hour, Eliott let’s Lucas roll off of him, the older boy huffing out a low, “hurry back” and giving Lucas a small smile before rolling over to face the wall for a minute. Lucas hurries across their apartment to the kitchen, pulling the container out of the fridge before opening the tupperware slightly and stuffing it into their barely functioning microwave. He grabs a plate from their cupboard and two forks from the kitchen drawers before waiting for the digital timer on the microwave to reach zero.

 

When it’s done, he pours the pasta onto the plate, is careful not to salt it too much since Eliott is already dehydrated enough as it is, and wanders back to their bedroom. As soon as Lucas sits down on top of the blankets, Eliott pushes himself upwards so that they’re facing each other, and Lucas gives him a small smile before handing him a fork. Watching Eliott take the first bite, Lucas can’t help but feel the puzzle pieces finally clicking into place once again.

 

They eat mostly in silence, Eliott too tired to come up with anything to say and Lucas content with just watching him swallow every bite.

 

 _Wow,_ he thinks, _that’s disgustingly domestic._ Lucas is okay with that.

 

After Lucas has put the dishes into the sink, leaving it a task for future him to deal with, he strips down to his boxers and slides under the covers. Eliott is once again facing the wall, not looking at Lucas but sighing softly when Lucas slides his arms around Eliott’s chest. Lucas lets every inch of their bodies touch.

 

“How is school going?” is asked into the complete darkness of their bedroom, and Lucas hears it for what it really means. He hears the questions Eliott really wants to ask.

 

_How much did I miss? How much have you missed as a consequence? Is everyone going to be mad at me when I get back?_

 

“It’s fine, I talked to your professor today and he said they miss your ‘argumentative spirit’ in class,” Lucas smiles into Eliott’s back, pressing kisses to the freckles that line Eliott’s shoulder blades before continuing.  “And one of my professors, you know, the lady who’s completely charmed everytime you come to pick me up from my Thursday class? She told me yesterday that she ‘misses the smile that my tall boyfriend always puts on my face’, so I think you’re fine.”

 

Eliott hums along as Lucas continues to speak, recounting everything that’s happened this past week. He tells him about his Bio exam, about Imane asking _him_ for help during one of their classes together, about the terrible boy in his lab class that can’t seem to take any of the hints Lucas tries to throw at him. That hey, Lucas is in a very happy relationship already, he doesn’t want anyone else.

 

He tells him about what the boys have been up to, about Basile’s offer to fight a hotel owner and about the girl squad coming over with baked goods in the beginning, before Lucas had to tell them that hey, they appreciate the love and support but baked goods aren’t really going to do anything but make Lucas stress eat more than he already does. Lucas fills him in on everything he’s missed, and Eliott seems to listen to every single word.

 

When he’s done, Eliott suddenly turns around in Lucas’s arms, pressing their foreheads together and presses a soft kiss to Lucas’s lips. It’s their first one in a week, and it’s nothing short of perfection.

 

A little bit more than a minute later, he pulls back, and allows himself to look at Eliott for a moment. He allows himself to really watch his eyes flutter shut, the way his whole body rises and falls in tact with Lucas’s heartbeat.  There’s one thing Lucas has been wanting to say ever since they got home from the police station, but he’s not sure if now really is the right time, if Eliott is still feeling tired after their talks and the dinner they’d shared, if saying anything real and meaningful will be pointless right now because Eliott is still feeling so down.

 

In that moment, lying, the two of them together in the dark, in _their_ bedroom, with the rest of the world a million and one miles away, nothing else matters. Lucas needs to say this. He thinks the moment feels right.

 

“Baby,” he whispers, letting one hand reach up to cup the side of Eliott’s face.  “I just wanted to say thank you.”

 

Eliott lifts his gaze up and stares at him then, his usually shining eyes now sad and beginning to brim with tears. “For what? Isn’t it me that-” He looks down, in an effort to find his words, Lucas bets. When he speaks again, his voice comes out dejected. “Aren’t I the one out of the two of us who should be saying thank _you_?”

 

 _No baby,_ Lucas thinks, _you don’t have to thank someone for loving you, Eliott. You’re not a burden._

 

He shakes his head before letting his head rest in the crook of Eliott’s neck. He doesn’t need to look at him to see his boyfriend’s confusion, he can hear the shaky exhales Eliott is letting out clear enough.He pulls back to look Eliott in the eyes before opening his mouth again.

 

“No. I’m definitely the one who should be saying thank you. Thank you for letting me be here for you, for letting me take care of you even though I’ve messed up in the past. Thank you for constantly believing in me, for never giving up on me. I know that I’ve made mistakes, and I don’t always know what to do, but I love taking care of you, it’s usually the other way around. I love you so much Eliott, thank you for never giving up on me, on our relationship.” He _needs_ say this.

 

“You’re so brave baby. Eliott, you’re so _strong,_ it takes my breath away sometimes. Thank you for letting me get to know you. Thank you for coming back to me in the early days after I messed up. I’m so happy with you, and I just wanted you to know that.” The words leave his tongue effortlessly, but when silence befalls them he can’t help but think he said too much. That he somehow messed up, that maybe, he should’ve waited until Eliott felt better.

 

Then again, all he really wanted was for Eliott to hear it. He doesn’t need him to answer him, he just needed to say it.

 

But then, in the silence,

 

“I love you too” Eliott lets out softly, letting his head rest against Lucas’s chest. His breaths are shaky and Lucas knows, _he knows_ that this isn’t over. He’ll wake up tomorrow, and there’s a very real possibility that Eliott will have rebuilt his walls overnight, that Lucas won’t be able to kiss him again for a while. Right now, however, Lucas brushes his fingers slowly through Eliott’s hair, whispers a soft “good night baby”, and falls asleep soon after

 

 _It doesn’t matter,_ Lucas thinks right before sleep takes him. . _He’ll always have me here to tear them down._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah okay I know it's a day late but this kinda got away from me? Also, this was inspired by a very real depressive episode I had a year ago, but this version has a lot of tweaks (a supportive boyfriend, for starters) so please be mindful of that if you're gonna leave a comment. Also, please do! They make my entire day!
> 
> See you in the next one! 
> 
> (and also, come and talk to me on Tumblr! You'll find me under @lucademauris

**Author's Note:**

> hope it was a little bit okay, I'm working on part two as I write this so hopefully it will be out by tomorrow. 
> 
> Let me know what you think in the comments, and I'd love if you gave me kudos if you liked it <333
> 
> come find me on tumblr @lucademauris
> 
> see u lovelies xxx


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